Trade Secrets: Millions Of Lives Hang In The Balance

STOP THE PRESSES!!! A FBI sting operation nabbed three employees of the Coca-Cola Company attempting to sell highly coveted Coca-Cola recipes to their rival company Pepsi. Interestingly enough, Pepsi is voluntarily and fully cooperating with the authorities citing, "Competition can sometimes be fierce, but also must be fair and legal. We're pleased the authorities and the FBI have identified the people responsible for this", said Dave DeCecco Pepsi spokesman. Obviously this earth shattering inside job came as a complete shock to the entire world, and could only spark mass chaos and pandemonium in the streets. With the trade secrets up for grabs for a mere $1.5 million dollars, many loyal Coke drinkers were left to feel cheap, used, and abandoned. Many others had no choice but to immediately seek psychological help for sudden and overwhelming depression, and some people even were stricken with a new found inability to even cope with life after hearing about the horrific recipe betrayal. "Maybe it's time I move on to Bush's Baked Beans.", said an unidentified Coca-Cola enthusiast wishing to remain anonymous, "I guess somehow, it just wouldn't hurt as bad when the cat got out of the bag, knowing that Duke already knows the family secret."