Friday, June 30, 2006

Mitch Buchannon Swinging From The Chandelier?

Former Baywatch star David Hasselhoff suffered a severed tendon in his right arm while shaving after a workout in the Sanderson Hotel on Thursday. Apparently, the 53 year old actor hit his head on a chandelier causing his arm to be showered with broken glass, and spent one night at St. Thomas' Hospital in London. He has since been released from the hospital, and is recovering. I know Mr. Hasselhoff is a taller than average man, but I can't quite figure out how he managed to become entangled in a chandelier ... while shaving. By definition, a chandelier is: A branched, decorative lighting fixture that holds a number of bulbs or candles and is suspended from a ceiling ... the operative word here being ceiling. I know some pretty weird people and they do some really strange things, but I can't say I know anyone that shaves in close proximity to the ceiling. But then again, he did talk to cars in the eighties.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Nice Guys Finish Last

Today, the infamous stolen VA laptop turned up at an FBI field office in Baltimore, Maryland. The unidentified person who turned in the computer, according to the FBI, has not been charged because they believe the device was lifted during a routine burglary and that the VA data was not the target. Upon inspection, the sensitive files within the laptop appeared to not have been accessed, but the unit will be sent for forensic testing in Washington. As for the good samaritan who handed it in ... the FBI isn't sure if the person is eligible for the $50,000 reward offered for information on the laptop's whereabouts. I guess having extremely sought after evidence hand delivered to your office kind of takes the "thrill of the hunt" out of the whole thing, and now the tipster will be lucky to even get a handshake.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Hey IE ... AutoComplete This: "**** ***!"

Ever since my computer downloaded automatic updates from Microsoft, I have been plagued by an annoying BHO called AutoComplete (for IE6). Some find their computing experience much more enjoyable and simplistic now that the browser remembers, and automatically recalls, previously viewed website URLs and log in information ... I however am not one of those people, and have spent the last three nights trying to disable this lovely informational assistant with no luck. Every time I shut it down in the IE options menu, it returns ten minutes later laughing at me louder than the time before. If anyone knows how to permanently wipe out this pseudo psychic program, please drop me a line. Why is it that we invent things with the intention of making our lives easier, but they never even come close to doing so?

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Ford Is The Ad That Never Ends ...

The Ford Motor Company is making sure that every television viewing American knows their affiliation and sponsorship with American Idol by airing the 2006 winner Taylor Hicks "possibilities" commercial on every (and I mean every) commercial break. OK ... I GET IT ... 0% DOWN AND ONE YEAR FREE GAS ON FORD ... LET'S MOVE ON WITH OUR LIVES!!! Just because Taylor Hicks gets his groove on on an empty (and extremely well lit ... my compliments to the gaffer) stage with absolutely no audience, that's supposed to give me the urge to run down to my nearest Ford dealer and buy a new car? Hey Ford ... how about the "possibility" that you agitating your already advertising weary customers with the same ad over and over and over. Or maybe, the "possibility" that nobody cares if Ford vehicles light up Taylor's life. Or, perhaps the "possibility" that maybe, just maybe, you should look at firing your entire ad campaign staff for such a repetitive, unoriginal and lack of luster ad. Enough Already!

Monday, June 26, 2006

Waste Deep In Paperwork ... Literally

Maybe it's me, but the irony of seeing the EPA building in Washington D.C. closed for business due to heavy flooding of below ground areas due to the excessive amount of rainfall in the last 24 hours is quite humorous. I wonder if they have flood insurance?

Sunday, June 25, 2006

The Whole World In Your Hands

When Google Earth launched last year, there was quite a concern from various governments fearing that such a program that allows users to zoom in and out of any location anywhere in the world using satellite imagery may be used to aid terrorists in the plotting of future attacks. Although that frame of mind is understandable, again ... common sense really needs to be applied here. Yes, free software available on the internet (such as Google Earth) can be used for less than friendly purposes. But again, we assume that people with the intention of doing harm are stupid and would be left powerless if such a program were inaccessible to the public ... yeah, they'd never think to go and buy it from just about any PC software store located in any mall in the United States. Or for that matter, just take a ride in a sightseeing plane for hire and snap off some pictures themselves. We all really need to start questioning what the true intentions of agencies are when we lose even the most trivial things in the name of homeland and/or national security.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Penny Wise Dollar Foolish

Many state lotteries sell instant scratch off tickets that range in prizes from a free ticket to thousands of dollars. Like most other ticket buyers, I too have shoved tickets winning minimal amounts in my glove box, console, or visor for future redemption ... in other words, for when I'm really broke and would love a cup of coffee. In Indiana, Tom H. Smith did something similar to that, and when he went to cash them in he was told they had expired. Apparently this has happened to numerous other people because Mr. Smith is now involved in a class action suit against the Indiana State Lottery Commission. So far, the Commission has spent almost $500,000 in legal fees since the case was filed in 1997, and a proposed settlement will create a $600,000 fund to resolve this and other disputes with lottery claimants. So rather than pay the man the five dollars he was entitled to from his winning ticket, the Indiana State Lottery Commission has chosen to fight it out in court and by the time it's all said and done will have cost them 1.1 million dollars in legal fees and claimant payouts. I would only think the odds of winning on any scratch off ticket in the state of Indiana now have just gone way down ... gotta pick up the loss somewhere.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Big News

A 68 year old Providence, Rhode Island man was awarded $400,000 from the Dacomed Corp. in court today following a lawsuit that the plaintiff filed against the company because a defective penis implant. Charles "Chick" Lennon (a former "handyman") received the Dura-II steel and plastic implant in 1996 with the anticipation of having the option of either being up or down at his discretion. But unfortunately, the surgery went better than expected and the new device really took a liking to him ... for ten years. That's right, Mr. Lennon suffered from standing at attention for ten strait years. In his lawsuit, Chick claimed he could no longer hug people, ride a bike, swim or wear bathing trunks because of the pain and embarrassment, and felt uncomfortable around his grandchildren. Honestly, it's guys like this, that are so hung up on their anatomy, that make the rest of us look bad. Having functioning equipment is important to any man or woman, but having a mechanical device installed for the sake of experiencing "tide changes" ... c'mon, gimme a break! I can only imagine how intimate it must be sleeping with a partner that has more hardware than Lowe's.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Things Are Really Heating Up

The National Academy of Sciences, researching global warming at the request of Congress, has concluded that the average global surface temperatures in the Northern Hemisphere has indeed rose about 1 degree during the 20th century. The report also went on to say "the recent warmth is unprecedented for at least the last 400 years and potentially the last several millennia." A panel of top climate scientists told lawmakers that the Earth is heating up and that "human activities are responsible for much of the recent warming." Greenhouse gases ... or something more? I'm sure if we try hard enough, we can organize a movement to pin this one on smokers ... everything else is ultimately their fault, why not this too? Perhaps after enacting mandatory national pollution control laws years ago, these yum yums finally realized the rest of the world just doesn't care about saving Mother Earth ... but at least we can say we did our part. Maybe it's a higher power trying to make a point about where we will eventually end up because of our destructive behavior towards ourselves and lack of respect for one another. Regardless, the scientific report brings to light information that could potentially cause our own self destruction. Maybe I'll consider taking their findings seriously when we start using all this scientific knowledge to get tomorrow's weather right.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

The Second Most Dangerous Job In The World

Saddam Hussein has stated his repeated discontent with the ongoing trial in which he faces charges for killing more than 140 Shiites during a crackdown after an attempt on the former Iraqi leader's life in Dujail in 1982. Let's face it, the entire world knows he's guilty ... but at least he is getting a fair trial in which he can also possibly be acquitted of all charges, but that's for the jury to sort out. But at the rate he's going, Saddam might just be better off going for a mistrial. Recently, Hussein's lead attorney Khamees al-Ubaidi's bullet riddled body was found in a Shia neighborhood near the Sadr City section of Baghdad bringing the tally of bumped off defense attorneys to three since the beginning of the trial. Jeez ... all O.J. Simpson had to do to get away with murder was hire an expensive criminal defence lawyer who could at the drop of a hat conjure up silly rhymes about evidence like "If it doesn't fit, you must acquit." Poor Saddam must feel like an honorary member of the lawyer of the month club by now.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Useless Trivia Fact #3

Americans consume 16,000 tons of aspirin every year.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Time Is My Side

The nation's fifth-largest passenger airline carrier, Northwest Airlines, has just announced they are doing away with row by row boarding citing the change will knock an average of 5 minutes to 10 minutes off boarding times. Although as orderly as an elementary school fire drill, herding adults like cattle to the slaughterhouse into an airplane one row at a time, no matter how you look at it, really couldn't get any more inefficient ... even if you tried. For that matter, that logic doesn't speak too well for your kids safety at school either. What's really scary is the amount of time this boarding policy has been in use, and nobody ever questioned if there was possibly an easier way to get people on the plane ... and we trust them to get us across the Atlantic Ocean on time.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Service After The Sale

In 2004, Mark Johnston (owner of an exotic car dealership in Los Angeles) purchased a Mercedes-Benz AMG CLK-GTR Limited Edition Roadster (to sell), one of only six ever made. With a 1.7 million dollar price tag, one would only think that the manufacturer would take every precaution necessary to ensure the owner was happy. Well, Mr. Johnston is not very happy at all. In fact he is suing Mercedes-Benz, its parent company Daimler Chrysler, and other affiliates because none of the above listed organizations will assume the costs of warranty repairs to the sports car that won't even go ten blocks without breaking down. So far, the car's transmission has failed to shift properly, the hydraulic jack system has failed and the car's windows came unglued. Upon Mr. Johnston's complaint, Mercedes did an inspection and ultimately determined that the car did suffer from an oil pressure-related engine failure ... but refuses to make any repairs. See, it does pay to drive cheap cars such as a Geo Metro or Yugo ... sure they have about as much structural integrity as a soda can, but when it dies you really don't feel too bad when you have to throw in the towel and junk it.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

ESC: Replacement Parts For Basic Driving Skills

Insurance Institute for Highway Safety stated that vehicles with Electronic Stability Control (ESC) were 43 percent less likely to be involved in a fatal crashes and also went on to say that as many as 10,000 fatal accidents could be prevented each year if ESC was standard equipment on all vehicles. I'm sure the estimated figures have been carefully calculated to represent a fair assessment of what could be, but if SUVs are such killers why make them? Just food for thought, smokers get the blame that their second hand smoke is the cause of every illness under the sun, been treated like animals by being banished from "public" establishments, and have to put up with every nosey Dudley Do-Right stranger that feels the need to tell them about the health risks of their habit. People that drive, and suffer the unfortunate fate of rollovers, get no public flack from the choices they have made, and yes (believe it or not) do pose a threat to public health when tip over that bus they call a car on the highway and wipe out three innocent cars in the process. Since we educate people on the dangers associated with smoking, perhaps car dealers should educate their customers on the dangers of SUVing.

Friday, June 16, 2006

PETA ...Nah, I Think PITA Is More Appropriate

Beyonce Knowles offered her fans a chance to have dinner with her at the classy Nobu 57 restaurant in New York City if they were the highest bidder on eBay. Although my first inclination was to find out how much the top bidder actually paid for such an event ... and why, I really got a kick out of who the auction winner was. Apparently, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) snuck in the highest bid so they could meet with Beyonce and question her in public about the use of animal fur in her clothing line House of Dereon. A spokesperson for Ms. Knowles told the Associated Press on Friday that Knowles had no comment on the incident. Personally, she should be happy this meeting with PETA was only a dinner conversation gone bad ... she got off easy. The usual tactics employed by these over the top animal lovers typically consists of inciting public riots and burning down fur processing plants. Both of which I never really could quite understand, riots hurt people which are ... in essence ... animals, and burning down building pollutes the air that wildlife needs to breathe. I guess sometimes you just have to take one for the team to get your point across.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Amendments Cancelling Out Other Amendments?

Currently on the Senate floor is the would be 28th constitutional amendment that would prevent any flag desecration, the proposed amendment is still pending a vote for approval. "The Congress shall have power to prohibit the physical desecration of the flag of the United States" ... just a small excerpt of the legislation to be voted on by the end of the month. I am completely against any defilement of "Old Glory" in any form ... but that's my opinion. Those choosing to destroy a flag in protest, although the action absolutely disgusts me, have the right to do so ... it's their form of protest. After this amendment passes, I fully expect to see another added shortly thereafter that addresses media outlets and writers that publish material deemed "a threat to national security". This abolishment of rogue periodicals and publications would pass with little resistance from the American public because lately, it seems commonplace to give up individual freedoms in the name of public safety and security. Wow ... I still can't believe that only a few hundred years ago this country had the ... uh, you know ... to stand up and claim our independence from the British. What happened to us? Now we need to write laws to keep outspoken people quiet. The fourth of July has turned into nothing more than fireworks and hot dogs ... that's it. Go ahead ... ask kids why we celebrate the fourth of July ... THEY DON'T KNOW!

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

You Can Do It ... We Can Help

In Massachusetts, some home improvement contractors and do it yourself home owners alike are getting far more than an updated bathroom after they purchased a new vanity from Home Depot. There have been multiple reports to police across the state about people opening their new bathroom fixture box/packaging and finding large quantities of drugs ranging from marijuana to cocaine. Police suspect the contraband is not originating from the Home Depot, but rather somewhere else in the manufacturing and shipping process or warehousing and distribution. The cops also went on to say that they believe these boxes were supposed to be intercepted by the intended recipient far before they ever reached their final destinations, and either the interceptor wasn't working that day or the boxes were marked improperly. I would only think that such a bathroom piece, obviously named because of its own excessive self admiration, would more likely yield mass quantities of stolen Botox, illegal high test diet pills, or the morning after pill. I guess true vanity, like great works of art, is up to interpretation.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Really Putting Your Head Into It

Ben Roethlisberger, quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers, was involved in a motorcycle crash that sent him flying head first into the windshield of another car. The Steelers' Super Bowl-winning quarterback suffered multiple facial and skull injuries that required seven hours of surgery to repair. So today, every local radio and television station was quick to comment on the trauma sustained by Mr. Roethlisberger citing that he was not wearing a helmet while operating his 2005 Suzuki Hayabusa (there is no helmet requirement in Pennsylvania for any rider over the age of 21). It seems that everyone is up in arms about how this accident could have been avoided if he only took the time to strap on a helmet. I would only ask one question: Why do so many people care about how Ben Roethlisberger chooses to ride his motorcycle? The operative word here is chooses ... it's his head, he and he alone suffers the physical consequences for not wearing a helmet, it's his decision.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Lost At Sea

Well, hurricane season is getting an early start this year and, as always, brings with it the promise of stupid people doing incredible stupid things at the worst possible time. Today I caught the noon news, and already the Coast Guard is pulling people from damaged ships offshore. You would think if someone could afford a sea worthy vessel, they'd invest in a radio to keep track of the weather ... or if nothing else, take the time to watch the forecast before going out. It's bad enough these weekend captains endanger themselves and their crew/guests, now they drag the U.S. Coast Guard into their mess because "it looked like a nice day to go sailing". I really don't know much about oceanic boating, but I'm pretty sure that the USCG requires an inspection of seaworthiness to vessels venturing out to sea. Obviously, the operators test for pleasure boating consists of rules and regulations, and not common sense.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Fed Up Judge Puts Lawyers In Their Place

In an attempt to show two opposing lawyers how childish and petty they have become in an argument over where to take a witness statement (neither would agree to the others location), U.S. District Judge Gregory Presnell ordered both of them to meet at a neutral location at 4 p.m. June 30 and play a round of rock, paper, scissors to determine which side would ultimately set the interview location. The Honorable Judge also went on to say that if both parties cannot agree on a neutral location, they'll play the court ordered tie breaker right on the steps of the courthouse. I guess that Joe Q. Public is not the only one sick and tired of hearing lawyers bicker endlessly. The old saying of "Whether you know it or not, your actions teach other people how to treat you" comes to mind.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

The Neighborhood Watch Program Goes International

The governor of Texas, Rick Perry, has announced a $5 million plan to install hundreds of night-vision cameras on private land along the Mexican border and put the live feed on the internet so that anyone with a computer can aid the border patrol by calling a toll free hotline to report suspicious activity. The plan (which coincidentally was unveiled on the eve of the state GOP convention) would supply cameras and other related necessary hardware free of charge to willing landowners and placed along some of the most remote reaches of the border. This idea reminds me of the restaurant my friend used to live across the street from. Every night, the guy who closed for the evening would mop the floor starting at the counter, go across the dining area, and mop right out the front door. He then would walk around outside of the building and enter the kitchen from the rear so the floor would dry. So, every couple days my friend and I would call the store when he got about 2/3 of the dining area mopped, causing him to walk across his newly cleaned floor to answer the phone ... boy, that just never got old either. I've said it before and I'll say it again, everyone is looking too far into the problem ... the Chinese were right on track with this one ... just build a wall! Problem solved!

Friday, June 09, 2006

Buy Out Vs. Burn Out

It seems that when gas prices go up, so do vehicle fires ... hmmm, coincidence or something more? Apparently, many owners of gas guzzling SUVs (just like Stanley Johnson) are in debt up to their eyeballs, and simply cannot afford to stretch the family budget any further when fueling up that brand new domesticated bus out in the driveway. The financial pressures of life finally catch up with them, and what sounded like a great deal on a lease with zero down and a term of 84 months, has all but put them into bankruptcy. So rather than be responsible adults and sell the vehicle to pay off what is owed, some find an easier solution in torching their ride and letting the insurance company take the hit. It sure seems like alot of trouble to go through when all they really needed was a station wagon or mid size sedan to get to the grocery store, drug store, or just tool around town. I guess looking financially successful is far more important than actually being financial responsible.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Down For Maintenance

Down for Maintenance
Blogger is temporarily unavailable due to an unexpected technical problem.
Our engineers are working hard to fix Blogger. We will be back up as soon as possible.

- This is the message I keep getting from Blogger tonight. When I do eventually get through, I get booted shortly there after. So I guess I'll be down for maintenace as well, see you all towmorrow.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Beaned Bird Didn't Even Get A Base

Yesterday during a Triple A baseball game between the Buffalo Bisons and the Durham Bulls, a seagull was struck by a pitch in the bottom of the 11th inning. Not being a baseball fan, I found this story to be the most exciting happening in the sport since the October 17, 1989 world series earthquake. Obviously I'm not alone, the next time you come across a baseball game while channel surfing take a look at the stands ... even the seats right behind home plate are empty. I can only imagine the cheap seats in the nosebleed section are solely occupied by cameramen, security personnel looking for an uneventful night, and seagulls. What's worse, is I'm sure some wacko animal cruelty group will be all over this isolated incident claiming that sporting events involving anything high speed is a threat to natural wildlife and should be shut down in the name of environmental preservation.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

See ... It Was Me The Whole Time

In this mornings local newspaper, yet another disorder was reported ... but this one actually explains alot. The article stated that road rage, and many other such similar explosive behaviors, can possibly be explained by a hypothetical disorder called Intermittent Explosive Disorder or IED ... not to be confused with the other IED known as an Improvised Explosive Device, same result but different method. IED experts claim that this behavioral problem, that results in an unpredictable explosive verbal and/or physical outburst that may be accompanied with the damage of property or the harming of other people, typically is an overreaction to ordinary problems and can be medically treated. Whew ... after all these years, I thought my profane metaphors toward apathetic and self absorbed people was because of their complete lack of intelligence, extremely selfish behavior, and loss of basic common sense.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Banker's Hours

Since the advent of electronic banking, many of us have found a way to finally circumvent the proverbial "banker's hours". But unfortunately, there are certain times in which you have to go to the bank in person. Many financial institutions pride themselves on being the bank that is the most customer friendly, your neighborhood bank, here when you need us ... etc. But somehow after numerous meetings on how to rally up new accounts and customers, the bank executives missed the easiest solution of them all ... to open their doors for business during the same hours as everyone else. No ... the lady in the drive-thru window at 8:00am does not count! What a concept, if you focus your business around the customers needs ... you get more customers. Sheesh ... even drug stores are open 24 hours a day.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Our Hit List Keeps Getting Bigger

Ayatollah Ali Khameni, Iran's supreme leader, has warned the United States that any "misbehavior" directed toward Iran would result in a disruption of Persian Gulf region energy shipments. He also went on to say that the United States "should know that the slightest misbehavior on your part would endanger the region's energy security," he said. "You are not capable of guaranteeing energy security in this region." The sad truth is ... he's right, he is the proud owner of the hot dog on a string. Any rapid increase in the price of oil related products send American consumers crying to their elected officials. The only solution is to put Iran next on the invasion list in our quest for global oil supply domination.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Useless Trivia Fact #2

There are an estimated 171 billion U.S. pennies in circulation.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Fat Chance

The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) is now recommending that restaurants across the nation scale back their portion sizes and also publicize the calories per item on the menu to aid in the combat against the nationwide obesity epidemic. As if the government isn't into enough of what we do already ... now their gearing up to tell us what we should and shouldn't eat. Yes, the fact that 64% of Americans are overweight and 30% are obese is staggering ... but being overweight is the choice that 64% of us have made and chosen to live with. Nobody held gun to their head and forced them to eat until they were fat ... it was completely by choice (with few medical exceptions). Why don't we take it a step further and force restaurants to provide patrons with obese or non-obese dining areas. Just like how smokers are forced to sit way in the back and get ashtrays at their tables, obese customers can sit close to the door (easier entrance/egress) and have an endless buffet delivered right to their table. A little over the top ... not really. Smokers are blamed for endangering the health of others, but why not obese people? They also carry with them (sorry for the pun) inherent public health risks by stressing furniture beyond its rated capacity causing premature, and often instantaneous, structural failure of the unit and ultimately posing a wide variety of traumatic injuries to any unsuspecting patron.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Doctors Save Lives ... But Whose?

Every once and a while, the topic of organ donation surfaces on either the local or national level. The decision to share your organs, and possibly save the lives of other people with that donation, is a very personal one indeed and I respect both sides of the argument. But I really wonder how hard doctors will fight for patients that believe in passing their organs on to others. As gruesome as this sounds, the fact remains that within all of us are high demand parts worth a considerable amount of money. And it's no secret that doctors will scratch other doctors backs for business ... yet another strike for the critical patient. So, if no family member is there to speak for the injured/ailing organ donor ... it may be strike three.